Posted by: Artandsoulnj | April 5, 2010

letting go

(Note: This entry was written on the road with no wireless connection available.)

Sat., 4/3/10

Our son was seventeen yesterday. He’s away at school and it’s the first time that I didn’t get to tiptoe into his room to wake him up by singing ‘happy birthday’. While I knew this was inevitable, that he someday he would ‘leave home’, it was a bit earlier in our life together than we’d expected. With all that we’ve been through as a family  because of choices he made last year, it was a bittersweet morning. I was totally at a loss as to what to do to celebrate his day, especially with  him three hours away by car!

Ah, but the entire year was a practice in letting go of my attachment to outcomes. And I can assure you, I was very, very, very  (did I say very?) attached to outcomes, especially where my son was concerned, and especially last year!

It was apparently time for me to learn this in a big way, as Zack literally had me walk my talk with what’d I’d learned over the years of studying metaphysics and going deeper into my self. It was also a test of how to use Matrix Energetics when ‘life’ got turned up a notch. After the past 15 months, figuring out how to celebrate Zack was easy. I was more than able to let go of any attachment to ‘what to do’, and simply plan to show up.

See, I’m not a helicopter mom, hovering over every little detail of our kids’ lives. But growing up with a mom who was bipolar and struggled with self-medicating, I learned to be over vigilant in anticipating everyone’s needs (not just my family’s!) Despite my best efforts to teach our son independence, I wasn’t up for his stonewalling and outmaneuvering when it came to school and often didn’t know he was falling behind until it was too late to correct. In a sense, he is a typical, rebellious teenager who isn’t challenged or interested in the academics and sees adulthood looming large without a clue how he’s going to get there. And of course, there is the breaking away from one’s attachment to parents and identifying with peers, which needless to say resulted in some very intense consequences for all of us.

It’s difficult to stay detached in the best of circumstances, but having the stage set for the emotional monsoon of last summer, I continually found myself bouncing in and out of realities (what I used to call ‘what if’ scenarios). I knew I needed a different perspective and so I reached out to Mark Dunn, Richard’s ‘first student’  of Matrix Energetics and later co-teacher, as it unfolded. Having heard many ‘Mark stories’ and where his experiences took him, I knew he would be able to provide me with insights that I wasn’t able to connect with.

The main point of my sessions with Mark was that I needed to clear my pattern of codependency as it was a big factor in what was going on with Zack. Having to  let go of ‘being there’ for my son in a way that was important to me, and showing up in a way that was appropriate for him is still a work in progress. I’ve made major headway, but there is still work to do. I am living consciously, making conscious choices and working with the tools I’ve learned and honed.

I know I turned a major corner with Zack during his spring break two weeks ago when I could simply hold the space for him to have his meltdown while my foot was wedged in the door to his room, to keep it open. I’d very intentionally shifted my awareness so I was total heart, and I literally felt my foot turn to rubber as he tried in vain to slam the door shut.

I didn’t take anything he said personally; I simply held a neutral state that allowed  him to express what he needed to say. He’d had a wicked cough leftover from a cold and to me, it energetically felt like he was about to explode. As he did, I felt totally at peace, grateful that I no longer felt the need to rush in and ‘fix it’ or even say a word. I simply allowed for his explosion and stayed steadily in my heart. After apologizing for his outburst, Zack thanked me for not doing anything more than what I did. He said it was exactly what he needed.

And guess what? His cough was gone within 48 hours.

“Awakening calls forth a transformation in both our interior and exterior lives. This is not about perfection. It is about wholeness. it is not about having things exactly as we want them, but about having things exactly as they are. When we allow things to be, a sense of harmony develops; the gap between our realization and who we are as a human being gets smaller and smaller. A seamless continuum begins to emerge between realization and expression, awakening and its actualization.” — Emptiness Dancing by Adyanshanti


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