In spite of the choice to write about my experiences and what I’ve learned about how we create our lives, what crept in over the past months was a long standing  fear of everyone ‘really seeing’ me, and falling short of my own expectations of myself.

 

But, so what?

 

Could what anyone else thinks or believes to be true about me be any worse than the things that I already tell myself and have been doing so for nearly my entire life? Even more, could what anyone thinks be any worse than what I unconsciously create for myself in response to my fears? Funny how things turn out.

 

How I choose to live my life requires that I am conscious of not only what I do but what I think. (At my age, you’d think I was already, well, doing this.) Because I stepped onto this path of healing and self discovery years ago, I’m so aware of my thoughts and feelings that sometimes I feel like an explorer in my own world — seeing, feeling, and hearing everything for the first time. And now that I help others do the same, I have more of a responsibility to be true and transparent. In other words, it is important to walk my talk and let go of my self-imposed limiting beliefs.

 

opening the door wide

I am in unchartered territory here. Yes, I will be talking (mostly to myself) about some things that may seem unusual to most people, but who knows? Maybe it will get you to thinking about what’s showing up in your life, too, and how you are participating in it in a way that might not have occurred to you before. Heck, I’m STILL surprised at what shows up and I have been playing with creating and supporting change on the quantum level for several years now!

 

But I know this much is true because my life is a testament to this fact: if we truly wish to make the worrld a better place for our children and all who follow, it is time for us to take responsibility for what we are creating, each and every one of us.

 

And as cliched as it might be, I know from personal experience that there is no other way to effect change than to BE THE CHANGE.

I recently received an email from someone who has been struggling with physical challenges these past six months that have significantly limited her activities. She has been very much in resistance to the suggestions of the doctors and as a result, wound up in the emergency room in the wee hours of the morning on more than one occasion.

While I am in no way diminishing her experience, as she lives on her own and this is both frustrating and frightening to her, it has occurred to me that she has been in resistance to the circumstances she finds herself in and what is being offered as a solution.

Being beyond the average retirement age, this friend would definitely benefit from a scaled-back work schedule in the least, and retirement at the most. She has been responsible for the care of her mentally-challenged brother for his entire adult life and the wear and tear on her body and psyche are revealing themselves, letting her know it is time for her to take care of herself and ask for help.

We are all presented with challenges when it is time to make changes in our lives. Mythology and the hero archetype are the result of this belief we have sustained in the collective consciousness and reinforced each time we go through our ‘trials’.

How we perceive our ‘trials’ determines the duration and intensity, as well as whether it is beneficial. Even the words we choose to define them can affect our perception. After all, nothing has meaning but the meaning we give it. An experience can be a trial, a lesson, or an event. Notice the feeling of each word. They each define an experience, sometimes with a subtle or not so subtle undercurrent of judgment. ‘Trial’ has the undercurrent of negativity tinged with victim running through it. ‘Lesson’ has less weight to it, with more of a reason for the event in the first place and the opportunity for a positive outcome, but not necessarily committing to it. And then there is the word ‘experience’, which has an optimistic, open feeling to it – one of possibility.

I’ve found my greatest challenge to be surrender. For me, surrender has the negative connotation of giving up, and winds up in my ‘judgment column’ as having failed. This has only served to reinforce my belief of not being good enough or smart enough and further entrenches me in my pattern of shortcomings.

When I look at the experience through a different lens, much like looking into a kaleidescope, the shift in perspective, ever so slightly, changes the entire picture or experience. Stepping into a place of allowance releases the negative feel of the experience and opens my heart to the opportunity presented.

And then I notice what is different.

I’m finding many parallels running in my personal and professional experiences since I first began this blog.  However it shows up, there doesn’t seem to be much of a difference in how I categorize what happens anymore as it all has blended together.

This Spring, our family was going through a major shift in perception, specifically surrounding Zack, 17, who seemed reluctant to step into responsibility for himself and his life. For anyone with kids, you know how frustrating and confusing this can be. Having lived my entire life taking on responsibility for everyone and everything around me (what I call ‘responsibility by default’), our behaviors were bouncing off of each other with no wiggle room for change. Zack was mirroring the polarity of my codependency pattern BIG TIME and the only way that this was going to shift was for me to totally surrender the pattern. This meant truly releasing him and my perception of him.

What exactly do I mean by that? It occurred to me after seeing the movie Inception for the second time that this is a great depiction of how our souls step into projections for each other in order to help out with the lesson plan. I knew this on a cerebral level, but having just been through letting go of Zack in May, I had a new reference point for this concept and a deeper understanding.

From my perspective,  Zack agreed on a soul level to help me learn what I needed (or wanted) to understand from the pattern of codependency. This involved understanding the origin of the beliefs that sprung up from the fear of the mental illness and addiction patterns that my mom carries, and  is seemingly in our genes, as well as letting go of the  beliefs that I went into agreement with. (For more info on soul contracts, check out The Seat of the Soul, by Gary Zukav.)

This is the taking hold and letting go: taking hold of the lesson learned and letting go of the pattern, fear, and beliefs.

I learned and understood at a very core level all that I believed, but I still held Zack in the projection of the role, not releasing him, or freeing him to move on.

I realized this when Francesca (Zack’s older sister) referred to Zack as her ‘little brother’. Knowing what I have learned in my Matrix Energetics training, (the split screen experiment), the observer affects the observed.

Since I was holding Zack as a little boy as my reference point for him, I was restricting him to this projection I’d created for my lessons and experiences.

In order for Zack to fully step into himself, and be free of that role, we had to take hold of him in a larger way. We had to take hold of Zack at his current age and the potential that he holds for his future, and let go of holding him in our thoughts as a little boy.

The Hyde School, where Zack is currently enrolled mandates that character is as important as academics. When a student is enrolled in Hyde, the entire family is enrolled. Since children grow up in a family system or unit, they subconsciously learn behaviors and patterns from their family members, particularly their parents, as a way to be loved and safe. Parents are required to participate in workshops and programs that look at what ‘programs’ and patterns we are running both consciously and unconsciously, so we can let go of what no longer serves anyone. As parents ‘work on their stuff’, the child will shift and begin to be able to take responsibility for themselves. The fact that once I let go of Zack, he stepped into himself in a big way.

For me, this reinforces that the only way any one of us can hope to create any change in our worlds is to create the change in ourselves.

Zack prepares to take hold of the zip line and step off of (let go) the platform in North Carolina last month.

While this may seem far from ‘living Matrix Energetics’, it’s exactly the same. ‘Taking hold and letting go’ is very much what Richard Bartlett talks about when he teaches all things Matrix: ‘drop down (into the heart) and let go’. Allowing ourselves to be the ‘pebble in the pond’, letting go or detaching from the outcome or ripples and simply observe what happens, what is different, is powerful beyond description.

And so my worlds have merged completely.

Recommended:

Inception: http://bit.ly/cPXmg6

The Physics of Miracles by Richard Bartlett

The Field by Lynne McTaggart

The Biggest Job by Laura & Malcolm Gauld

Where I’ve been these past months…. (and yes, it applies to Living Matrix Energetics, too!)

LETTING GO

(from the Hyde School Family Learning Center)

To ‘let go’ does not mean to stop caring. It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To ‘let go’ is not to cut myself off. It’s the realization that I can’t control another.

To ‘let go’ is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To ‘let go’ is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To ‘let go’ is not to try to change or blame another. It’s to make the most of myself.

To ‘let go’ is not care for, but to care about.

To ‘let go’ is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To ‘let go’ is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human ‘being’.

To ‘let go’ is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes. It is allowing others to affect their own destinies.

To ‘let go’ is not to deny, but to accept.

To ‘let go’ is not to nag, scold or argue. Instead, search one’s own shortcomings and correct them.

To ‘let go’ is not to adjust everything to my desires and needs. It means take each day as it comes, and cherish everything in it.

To ‘let go’ is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for now.

Sunday, 5.02.10

This morning over coffee Len and I had our usual conversation about what to do today. Like so many other Sunday mornings, we both felt the pressure of work to be done — work in the house and the myriad of endless business details calling both of us.

And, like so many other Sunday mornings, my guilt overrode my desire to go out and have fun. I defaulted to Len deciding ‘what to do’, which of course, lead to a mini-explosion of frustration on my part when he suggested we go to a museum in NYC.

Why the explosion? It would seem that would be a fun thing to do – certainly more fun than sitting at the computer or vacuuming the entire house yet again in the endless attempt to keep up with our ever-shedding canine child…. I was frustrated because to me, going to the museum is like watching television, or going to a movie. It’s passive and not doing anything.

I feel as though my whole life is just a series of observations — that I am always and only observing everyone living a life. It has felt as though everyone else is creating art, work, relationships, events…. And not only am I the consummate observer, but the clean-up crew after the fun is over. In short, I am the ‘domestic engineer’. I’m tired of looking at what others have created or done. I want to feel a paintbrush move across a canvas and see what shows up. I want to feel music move through me as my body feels it.

To his credit, Len wasn’t attached to visiting a museum. He offered that we do whatever I wanted. And there’s the rub. I didn’t know what I want to do. So off he went to take Nash (the canine child) to the park for his daily play date, and I worked off my frustration by sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor.

Okay, so why is this all so important in a ‘living matrix energetics’ experience?

While I was having my little temper tantrum, I pointed out how there is always something that needs to be done in the house – that as I spoke, I was looking at Nash’s furballs hiding under the kitchen chairs and all of the spots on the floor that needed to be cleaned! Suddenly, while mopping the floor, I found myself laughing at the irony of the lesson here. I had observed and then I acted on it.

Yes, quantum physics’ hypothesis is that the observer affect the observed. The fact that I am observing everyone else’s activities and creations in and of itself affects the outcomes of what I am observing. And so I am unwittingly participating in creation. But when it comes to my own creations, observing is only half of the equation. To create the reality I desire (in this case, it was a clean kitchen floor), I have to take action. Basic stuff. And yes, I have to look at the patterns and beliefs,or memes, that are keeping me in this holding pattern and rather than continuing to collapse the wave, locking them into my reality, just let go of the attachment to the outcome and move through them.

When Len returned from the park, I’d let go of all attachments to what we did today and simply wanted to have fun with my hubby. We went to lunch in Chinatown as we’d talked agreed. We decided to just wander around and see what drew our attention… in other words, to notice what we noticed. We found a restaurant tucked away on Bayard Street, off of Mott Street, that Mayor Bloomberg frequents and decided if it’s good enough for the Mayor of NY, it’s good enough for us. And it was! We feasted for $22. After we ate, we found ourselves wandering over to the Bowery, and decided to check out the exhibit at the New Museum. In spite of my not always ‘getting’ modern art, I was pleasantly surprised at how much of the featured exhibit  I not only understood, but agreed with and am inspired by! That just goes to prove, one is never too old to learn!

(Here’s the link to the New Museum of NY: http://www.newmuseum.org/)

As I told Richard Bartlett with the advent of my fiftieth birthday, I am no longer a ‘domestic engineer’.

I am a ‘domestic goddess’.

Lunch in Chinatown, NYC

Saturday, 5.01.10

I’m having difficulty starting and sticking with anything today. I feel like a quantum particle bouncing all over the place with no one observing it. I don’t really care to go into the reasons behind my sense of anxiety or agitation since I don’t want to put my attention there. I simply want to settle down and merely GET SOMETHING DONE!

When I was a child, we called this ‘Spring Fever’. If I were a child now though, I would be diagnosed as having ADD. We know from television that there is now even a diagnosis of ‘Adult ADD’! But I’m not buying into that reality. I personally believe that we all have ‘attention deficit disorder’ at one time or another. Making lists and creating a different experience for myself is how I manage to work through it, since it seems to be a self-perpetuating loop unless I interrupt it.

The fact is, we are here at this point in the space-time continuum because on a soul level we have agreed to participate in ‘waking up’ to the fact that we are not only creating our own individual realities, but collectively, we are creating what we see before us. But we are creating our realities based on outdated and outmoded belief systems – from our relationships with our children, to the economic structure, to our government.

If everything in your life from the personal to the world at large overwhelms you to the point of despair and frustration, know that the simple fact that you can make a different choice can change everything in a heartbeat. In every single moment, which is all we really have, we can make a different choice. And that makes all of the difference.

When I want to give up, kind of  how I feel right now with my desk buried under piles of papers and books demanding my attention, along with the long list of ‘to do’ on the top of the pile, I know I can choose differently. I can shift my awareness to one item that I want to look at, to complete and then move onto the next. I can let go of my attachment to the sense of overwhelm, find that place in my awareness where I feel the desk is clear and the tasks are done, and done well. As I write this, I am doing exactly that and it feels that point of awareness is off to my right, about 2-1/2 feet out from my elbow.

I then drop into my heart and feel it ‘done’. As the peace and calm of this settles in to my body,  I notice what’s different. From this place I can now move forward with the work I set out to complete today. I feel much calmer. I feel what needs my attention first, and I also feel how to continue moving through the piles on my desk.

(This is a basic skill taught at Matrix Energetics’ Level 1 Workshops and one I use often.)

Right now, having done what I just described, I feel much calmer and I’ve noticed that about one third of the papers on my desk are catalogs and local publications that can simply be recycled and don’t need reading. Then there are several books that need to be packaged for mailing…. Ah… that feels more spacious already!

What reminded me of this? A wonderful website that I subscribe to that gently reminds me that we are all spiritual beings, having a human experience and we are here on this planet in this auspicious time for the amazing experience of creating a different reality. http://www.soundpod.org/MorningMessages.htm. Yes, every so often, I need a nudge, too.

To read more about quantum particles and creating your reality, check out:

The Physics of Miracles by Dr. Richard Bartlett

The Holographic Universe by Michael Talbot

The Field by Lynne McTaggart

As I sit at the computer to write this entry, the Matrix Energetics Contemplation Card (from the Sounds True Matrix Energetics Experience boxed set) is on my desk next to me. The card facing up is No. 7 – THERE IS NO TIME.

It reads: There is no time. The passage of time is really an illusion. When we take time to observe a condition or problem as being different, it simply means our individual rules define exactly how long or how much something has to change in order to notice it. You can create a reality where you say, ‘even if I don’t notice anything changing in this moment, change always occurs.’

With that in mind I return to my daily blog after the passage of the last two weeks, letting go of guilt that I didn’t stick with my commitment. It felt like I couldn’t have written here, or anywhere if I wanted to. I haven’t even journaled with my morning coffee at 5am.

So what have I been doing in this ‘no time zone’? Have I continued living Matrix Energetics? I don’t think we ever stop – remember, this is our birthright: to create our reality. Whether we do so consciously or unconsciously is our choice. And I’ve discovered that living consciously means we have to stop and look at what we are creating sometimes, to see where we want to go with it next.

I didn’t intend to step out of blogging for this brief moment. It was a ‘download’…. I knew I had to literally stay off of the computer to allow for information shifting in my holographic hard drive. I know that sounds incredibly ‘out there’ to anyone who is reading this that might not be familiar with Matrix Energetics, esoteric teachings, or quantum physics. Sometimes, it’s even a stretch for me! But there were a lot of things going on in my life and that of my family, and we were all spinning off lots of parallel universes, (thank you for the confirmation, Elaine!) wreaking havoc on our own energy.

I, for one, kept jumping in and out of several parallels in my attempt to create the ‘next phase’ of our lives together. It felt like the old Ed Sullivan show with the guy who had five plates spinning on rods simultaneously and would run to those slowing down, and put another ‘spin’ on them. (Oh, how I’m dating myself!)

With our daughter graduating college in several weeks and moving into the next phase of her life, she is rightfully creating parallels. My husband is weighing options for his career path and so he too is in some parallel uinverses exploring the ‘future’.

And last weekend, when we went to our son’s school for the Spring Family Weekend, I discovered that Zack has been avoiding doing his homework in evening Structured Study Hall and fallen seriously behind in turning in assignments. (He says he is tired). I remotely checked to see what he was doing, and saw that he was sleeping with his eyes open! When I asked him about it, he was startled to learn that I could ‘see’ what he was up to. (I still has some tricks up my sleeve!) We talked about him leaving aspects of himself in these parallels and not having enough energy or attention span to participate in the reality we are in here and now, where he needs to pay attention and do his work. No more flipping into different dimensions and realities. We had to close down some, call back his aspects, and integrate what he learned in those experiences. It was a long weekend.

As for my own experiences, in addition to jumping in and out of those of my family, I had to adjust the speed of the passage of time there so I could manage my own energy levels here. My physical experience was like a car driven at high speeds with the wheels being out of alignment, causing the steering wheel to vibrate. Coincidentally, on my car’s 60,000 mile tune-up last week, this was exactly what was happening and a great out-picturing of my reality here in 3D. When I went in to look at this holographically, some things needed to be slowed down, while others needed to be brought up to speed. And then, most important of all, I let go of my attachment to the outcome.

Which, by the way, was the theme of all the family group meetings during last weekend! Talk about overlapping universes!

With this tune-up, everything now feels like it moving more smoothly.

Monday, 4.12.10

Today was a long day, intentionally and unintentionally so.

I headed north to Connecticut early this morning to help Francesca move out of her dorm and into the apartment. She graduates college in a month and this was the only time we could find before graduation weekend to accomplish this task.

Since this is a blog about how I play with Matrix Energetics in my daily life, I’ve committed to share everything that happens and what I’ve done no matter what the consequences, so here goes.

Francesca and I got everything done, and believe me, there was a lot to do.  We had to sort through everything to determine what went with her to the apartment, and what came home with me. Of course, like Mickey Mouse in the classic ‘Sorcerer’s Apprentice’ things got a bit out of hand before we even got started.

In my infinite wisdom (and I say this purely with tongue in cheek, or foot in mouth!) I thought it would be a great idea to expand time so we would have more to be able to get everything done that we needed to do today, and perhaps enjoy a meal in the middle of it all.

This worked like a charm! I dropped into my heart and expanded out with the intention of having space-time hold that same expansion. And so what’s the problem with it ‘getting out of control?’

Because I expanded time when I left home, what usually takes 2 hours to drive, took 3-1/2. It was an endless trip getting to our daughter’s apartment and I was tired from the driving before we even lifted a box or packed a bag. I realized my error too late, and so I had to make the best of it, which I did by putting the Beatles track on the ipod and turning up the vitality Frequency – FQ1. After that, the rest of the day went very smoothly,, and we finished in record time.

You can be assured that when it was time to return home, I let go of the time expansion and made the trip in under two hours. When you play with time in the world of Matrix Energetics, I highly recommend you determine when and where you want to do so – be sure of the space & time coordinates – or you’ll find yourself feeling like one of those soundtracks going in slow motion.

Sunday, 4.11.10

Yesterday was quiet. Ran some errands with Len and stopped at Barnes & Noble to browse. We were both tired from our usual early waking (I’m up around 5am) and ‘late’ hours this week. We spent a quiet night at home, with him watching a program on Woodstock and me reading. Getting to sleep early sounded like a great idea. And it was, until I woke up halfway through the night, wide awake and very warm.

I know that my age this is to be expected. — hot flashes and all that. Luckily, I have no idea of what my family history is with this particular physical experience, so I cannot create anything by plugging into that pattern. I’m on my own with menopause and I like it just fine, thank you very much — especially with the tools I have at my disposal!

We have a tempurpedic mattress, as does our son. The mattresses are  foam and hold the body’s heat. With my torso generating warmth enough to make me wake up, the only option was to move to our daughter’s room with the old fashioned spring mattress and cool down. Lately, this hasn’t been as useful and I find myself awake for two hours or so. Last night in a flash of inspiration, I realized that turning on Matrix Energetics Frequencies and adjusting their intensity might be a great way to shift this experience and allow me to sleep.

I made myself comfortable, turned on FQ 1 and inverted it to downgrade the intensity of heat in my body. When that subsided, I called in FQ 15 for balance of my endocrine system. Within a short time, I could feel my body settle down to a low, constant vibrational hum (No, it wasn’t the hard drive on in my husband’s office!) and fell back to sleep.

Turning on the Frequencies worked like a charm and I wish I’d thought of this sooner, but I am grateful that it occurred to me last night!

The rewards of being public with how I live Matrix Energetics are evident in my energy level today!

Saturday, 4.10.10

I joined Len in NYC last night to see Christopher Walken on Broadway. Since we planned coming home together in his car, which he drives into the city every day, I commuted by bus and subway.

Being a ‘native New Yorker’, I commuted to and from NYC for work and school before the kids were born, so I avoid traveling public transportation during rush hour. On weekday afternoons,there is an hour between buses, with the earlier bus leaving me at Port Authority — way too early for the evening, and yet not enough time to finish my work at home. I opted to take the later bus and have some fun with some of the concepts I’ve been playing with from Matrix Energetics. After all, I knew I didn’t have to experience rush hour that New York City is notorious for the way that I did in the past!

There was a lot of traffic going into the city as the bus crawled along in what is usually a thirty minute ride. During the ninety minutes I was on the bus, I closed my eyes, placed my awareness on the spin of my heart’s field, playing with the counter-rotating fields and maintaining the spin and diameter evenly and steadily.

Science has proven that “the heart’s electrical field is about 60 times greater in amplitude than the electrical activity generated by the brain. And, the magnetic field produced by the heart is more than 5,000 times greater in strength than the field generated by the brain, and can be detected a number of feet away from the body, in all directions, using SQUID-based magnetometers.”  (The Physics of Miracles, p. 225.)

As the bus pulled into the bus terminal, I popped my ear plugs in to drown out the noise and headed to the subway. All the while, I was consciously aware of maintaining the steady, rotating fields of my heart. And then I noticed something very, very unusual — especially during rush hour in New York City. There was a large space all around me, in every direction, as I walked through the tunnel connecting the Port Authority to the subway. When I approached a large crowd of people, they moved out of my way before I was within ten feet of them. This continued as I got onto the train to Times Square and  emerged from the subway onto Broadway, where I was meeting Len.

What a great way to travel!